The pitfalls of Dating in your Thirties- W.G. Mullins

Posted: November 10, 2010 in Humor, W.G. Mullins
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The Pitfalls of Dating In Your Thirties


Oh cruel fate, thy name is the Devil and thy soul be black.


Or to put it another way, being single in your thirties kind of sucks.  From whatever destination you have travelled to arrive at this point, be it divorce, failed relationships, not meeting the right person of just plain wanting to be single, certain factors come into play regarding dating once you leave your twenties behind.


All your family and friends will have settled down at this point and will have started having these annoying little vomity-shit bags called “children”.  Once these people have had kids, you can pretty much forget about your friends ever doing anything fun or interesting again.  Remember when you used to go out and kick the ball around, or pop out for a couple of drinks on a Saturday night and discuss the latest movie or sporting event?  Buzzz!  Will never happen again!  They will now only be interested in their own little world and will make sure you know how miserable they are.


Of course, most single guys and gals want to be with another person, at least on some level.  It’s just the call of human nature and one that starts to echo a little louder once you start using hair gel to mask the grey, rather than style your hair.  So what do you do?  You go out and try to find someone who is in a similar position to you and would like to be in a relationship.  Easy right?  I mean millions of people do it.  You see that weird, somewhat retarded looking guy on Facebook who you went to school with, has posted up a picture of his 8th child, so it can’t be that hard.  That guy used to eat his own snot and couldn’t spell his name until he was 14, so hey, easy!


Wrong!  In order to get into a relationship, you have to meet the right kind of woman.  Which is where the trouble starts.  If a woman is in her thirties and is single with no kids, then it’s usually for a reason.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that you have tapped into some undiscovered seam of gold!  Yes, they can be very attractive, in fact some of the best looking women I have ever seen and dated fall into this category.  You look at the surface appearance and they present a very strong argument that they might just be “perfect”.  They mostly have decent jobs and appear (on paper at least) to be a perfect candidate to go out with and start a relationship with.  But….  You have to ask yourself why are they single?


Most of the time, its because they watched too many romantic movies growing up and refuse to settle for anything less than Patrick Swayze himself (gonna be in for a long wait on that one), or maybe they got major daddy abandonment issues and only want guys who treat them like crap and slap them around occasionally, or maybe they’ve been to one too many psychics and refuse to engage with anyone who isn’t the 6’ 2”, dark haired, blue eyed, works in “money” guy that they’re totally going to meet any day now.  All very real and personally experienced by myself at some stage in my life.  Sadly, these women will mostly start to wither, wrinkle and age, before freaking out by the time they get to their late thirties and settle for the first moron with a dick that shows them any form of attention.


Then , you’re left with the wannabe single moms.  Almost certainly still in a relationship and almost certainly regretting it.  For a brief time you may consider this possibility, after all they know how to expertly push a guy’s buttons and will promise the Earth for just a brief escape from their hum-drum lives.  But, they will always return to the homestead once they have had their little bit of excitement, leaving hubby none the wiser and the bit on the side guy ultimately heartbroken.  The amount of married women who actually engage in this behaviour is actually quite shocking.  I’ve worked with a lot of women in my time and a very large percentage of them have at some point cheated on their partners.  The only reason this isn’t a bigger deal is because women are a little smarter about the whole infidelity situation and don’t get caught as often as guys.


So what’s left?  You can either go very young, which makes you look a bit creepy or just go for pot luck and maybe join some kind of dating site.


These though are not without issues.  Dating sites are vastly overpopulated by men of all ages and colours, usually averaging around 100 men for every woman.  These odds are nearly unworkable, but while some people may have claimed to have had success on these sites, I have never had the patience or desire to pursue a complete stranger through god damn emails.  Fuck that!  Why should I have to use all my writing ability and best jokes just to stand out from the other schlobs who have emailed the one woman I have managed to find who is both local and passably attractive.  If she wants to chat to me, then let her send me a damn email.  Sadly, this never happens, as 99% of people who use dating sites (both male and female) do not have full accounts and are unable to send or receive messages.  So that cute little brunette that lives a few miles down the road?  Forget about her.  Even if your email was the greatest love poem ever written, she wouldn’t even be able to bloody open it anyway, so what’s the point?


The only other dating option realistically left open to a guy in his early thirties is the dreaded speed dating arena.  A desperate and sad place where men and women are herded like cattle into dimly lit rooms and made to interact with each other for the amusement of the management.  It does, of course, have many advantages over regular dating:  A date only lasts 3 minutes; if you don’t like someone, you never have to see them again. The odds of you meeting at least one person who you like are greatly increased, and of course you know that the other person is looking for a date also and isn’t just some random skank that you picked up at a wedding and now send passive aggressive text messages to when your feeling depressed, horny and lonely at 3am on idle Thursday night…


But speed dating does have its downside of course.  Having to date all those women in one night is like having an entire lifetimes worth of rejection crammed into 3 hours.  It’s like reliving every bad job interview you have ever had.  People of a nervous disposition or questionable mental health could easily see this as the tipping point and decide that life’s not really worth living and murder their family with a hose pipe and a box of spanners.


Apart from the circumstances listed above, you will have to rely on random chance and fate to meet any other kind of woman, be it in a supermarket checkout, or maybe a new attractive work colleague, or possibly even accidentally running over a girl you like in your car so you have something to her talk about.  All these are possibilities when dating in your thirties.



  1. seanmh says:


    talk to me when you’re 40, son.


    (nice piece)

  2. lol. If I actually make it to 40 then i’m pretty sure I would have just given up by then and would be living in a trailer somewhere, yelling at my many, many cats.

  3. Tom Colicchio says:

    Are you Morgan from Top Chef: Just Desserts?

  4. I have no idea what or who that reference is sorry??

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