The Life Force Vampire-W.G. Mullins

Posted: March 2, 2011 in Humor, Short Stories, W.G. Mullins
Tags: , , , , , , ,

 

The Life Force Vampire

In my life I have met thousands of random people. Some of them have been my life- long best friends, some have been random one off encounters or lovers and some have even been sworn enemies. In the midst of my near 33 years on this planet I have encountered a specific, dangerous bread of person only 3, maybe 4 times. These people are the closest I have ever come to experiencing pure evil combined with soulless misery.  I am of course talking about the life force vampire.

I am currently recovering from such an encounter with one of these unholy beasts that has left me near bed ridden for the last 2 days. Having recently decided to upgrade our home alarm system, an engineer was called to the house in order to install new sensors and a wall keypad unit. A perfectly normal, everyday job that has been done a thousand times by a thousand people you may think. But on this fateful day a darkness descended upon my house in the guise of a mild mannered, normal looking, middle aged alarm engineer. This would be an encounter with evil unlike any I had ever faced, and one that I am lucky to have survived.

As with all great evil, no one could possibly expect what was to come. He had a perfectly normal name and appearance and should you happen to walk by him in the street you would be left with next to no discernable impression of who or what this man was. He had the kind of face and presence that would have made him a perfect spy in an alternate reality. He could happily sit next to your table as you discussed an arms deal with your contact, wearing a giant microphone duct taped to his head and you would happily spout all your secrets while being totally oblivious to his presence.

Sadly I did not have the pleasure of him trying to conceal himself or go unnoticed, quite the opposite in fact. He spent 3 hours telling me the complete instructions for our new alarm system; 3 hours of my life that I feel have aged me at least 15 years. It all should have been so simple; code, arm, disarm. That’s all he really needed to tell me. But he told me more… So much more.

Having made a run for freedom, my father left me alone with the vampire under the pretence that since I’m good with technical stuff, it would make more sense for the vampire to show me, and I in turn could show my father. Little did I know at the time, but my cunning, wiley father had made a run for it and was now hiding in the garden shed, refusing to come out due to “urgent potted plant matters” until he left. It’s hard to put into words exactly the soul destroying misery and pain you feel when one of these people is sucking the life from you. He would openly contradict himself, tell me the same thing differently each time and openly insult me when I repeated the incorrect instructions (or correct, depending on which version he selected), leaving me with a jumbled set of codes and sequence charts  that made little to no sense.

My most recent encounter before this dual with the Devil’s minion with a life force vampire occurred around 5 years ago. Myself and a friend were out buying costumes for a Halloween party and we stupidly made the mistake of entering a store that had blood seeping out of the very walls (which I now know is never a good sign). We spent 45 minutes in that hell hole as the wrinkled old demon behind the counter tried to convince me that a generic black cowboy hat would “do” for an Indiana Jones costume (it wouldn’t!). In the entire time we were in there, I don’t think she actually stopped talking for more that the time it took for her to breathe in and absorb our souls. By the time we managed to leave we were literary on our knees coming out of the store. We wearily walked back to the car and fell into our seats, lacking even the energy to even start the car we sat there for a good 15 minutes before we could move again.

But this old woman was nothing compared to the alarm repair guy. If she was the Edward Cullen of the regular vampire world, then the alarm guy was mother fucking Kiefer Sutherland from Lost Boys level badass vampire. He almost seemed to enjoy toying with his pray. Slowly draining my life force drop by drop, occasionally taking large gulps out of spite and hatred. But this kind of behaviour and evil was not without precedent; in fact I had actually been warned about it some years earlier.

Around 7 years ago I read a book called The Celestine Prophecies. The book itself is utter garbage. Image if Dan Brown was hit on the head with a truck and lost the ability to write anything exciting, fun, interesting, coherent, dangerous, popular or starting Tom Hanks, then you would get the Celestine Prophecies. The main premise of the book is that the secrets of the universe can be revealed, understood and manipulated by squinting your eyes a little bit…  Yep. That’s the story. I’m not making this up for a laugh…. Random characters appear and disappear for no reason, Ninja Vatican assassins are more numerous than Chinese people and everyone either dies in a fiery explosion or just runs into the forest and is never heard from again. Despite how bad this book was, it did have one tiny aspect that could actually be called “decent”. It theorised that all humans have an energy field that can be viewed to ascertain mood, attraction and intention. It also theorised that people are capable of either consuming or emitting this energy in relation to other people. Hence why when you talk to certain people, they send their “energy” to you, so after you have spent some time with them and absorbed their energy, you feel like you can take on the world and have a hundred new ideas in your head. I’ve certainly experienced this. There are a few people that just being in the same room as them can give me a natural high. They give off their “energy” freely and infect others with their passion and drive. But of course there is the flip side to this theory, that there are certain people who can drain the “energy” out of you. We’ve all met individuals who make everyone miserable or can single handily change the mood of an entire room by just being inside it. These people are the life force vampires. They probably don’t even realise that they are doing it, but for whatever reason they have the ability to make even the youngest, strongest and happiest of people want to use a meat cleaver as toilet paper just so they have an excuse to leave the room.

I stood there like a drooling statue. All sense of time and space had left me. I was still vaguely aware of some random words and grunts from the vampire. He had the most bizarre method of communication. It was essentially a series of inaudible whispers, grimaces, unreadable facial expressions and sticking his thumb and fingers up in the air at random intervals.

Having worked in the mental health field for the best part of a decade, I am convinced that there was something seriously wrong with this man. He spent 20 minutes telling me about the time he set up a 12 sensor system on a bungalow. It bore no relation to my house and I didn’t give any sort of indication that I was interested, he just kept on talking!

I could start to feel the ominous coppery taste of excess sylvia forming in my mouth. He had drained my energy so badly I had started to suffer from a severe migraine and my body was giving me clear warning signs that it would do what it had to do in order to protect itself. Some animals spit venom, some have a crushing bite. Me? I have a vomit trigger that operates completely independently in times of great danger and stress.

One final battle remained before I could get him out of the house. Just a simple process of the vampire showing me how to disarm the alarm. This should take 20 seconds tops. All alarms are the same; enter code once, disarm. That’s it! But he had other ideas. We argued for nearly half an hour as he was adamant that you had to enter the code 3 times to disarm the alarm due to new European directives and standards. I countered that this made no sense and was a needlessly complicated process for my 60 something parents. But he remained resolute. Three time. Three times. Three times. Three times. Three times.

In the process of “explaining” to me why it had to be done three times, he pretended to be a burglar and told me that as with all password systems you only have a certain amount of incorrect guesses before the system freezes you out. He then proceeded to demonstrate this by entering the wrong code on an imaginary alarm system in front of his face no less than 8 times.

(waving finger in the air in front of him)

“Beep, beep, beep, beep. That’s a wrong code.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Wrong again.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Also wrong.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Wrong again.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Again, this code is wrong.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Wrong again.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  Wrong again.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep.  My last guess was also wrong. I have now been locked out.”

It was at this point that I knew I was going to die. What kind of man would spend several minutes pressing imaginary buttons to show a security measure that could have been explained in just a few seconds using simple words!

My knees started to buckle under me and my mouth tasted like I’d been eating coins. I would not last much longer. Sensing that I had nothing left to give he mercifully packed up him equipment and left. But not before spending 20 minutes taking me through the warranty manual where he showed me in great detail what my name, address and telephone number were. I now suspect that this was a parting gift and not a final “fuck you” as my brain was so numb and eroded from the encounter that I had actually forgotten all of those details. “AH! So that’s my name.”

After he had left I honestly asked my father to hit me. I wanted him to slap my face and make me feel anything other than the empty, soul crushing, vomit educing, misery this vampire had brought upon me and my home. Alas he refused, maybe out of parental responsibility, or maybe because he was too busy head-butting a brick wall in order to rid himself of his own pain.

Shortly after I showed my parents how to set and disarm the alarm. To set it, enter code and press set. To disarm it enter the code three times…… Nope. You just enter it once. Just once. Like I had said a hundred times during my extensive and pitiful argument some time earlier.

Did he lie to me on purpose? Was it a final nail in my coffin, perfectly timed to draw the last life force from me just when I was at my most vulnerable? Or maybe was it because this guy was a complete fucking idiot with undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome?

You be the judge.

 

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