Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


 

The Life Force Vampire

In my life I have met thousands of random people. Some of them have been my life- long best friends, some have been random one off encounters or lovers and some have even been sworn enemies. In the midst of my near 33 years on this planet I have encountered a specific, dangerous bread of person only 3, maybe 4 times. These people are the closest I have ever come to experiencing pure evil combined with soulless misery.  I am of course talking about the life force vampire. (more…)

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The Greatest Goal Ever Scored
I’m not really one for sports. That is to say I love watching them and I count football (or soccer for you Yanks) and Formula One as my main hobbies. However since I’ve never really had the opportunity to drive an F1 car, the only real sporting activities I’ve ever taken part in have been football related.
In the summer of 1998 I was working in a Jewish summer camp for kids with attention deficit disorder in Pennsylvania. I was a mere 20 years old and this was the first time I had really travelled anywhere by myself. As far as first steps go it was quite a biggy, and one that I haven’t really been able to live up to in the years since.
At this summer camp there were around 40 counsellors from all corners of the Earth. Most of them were Brits like myself, but there were also South Africans, Canadians, Australians, Irish, Germans and a small smattering of Israelis. Though we were separated by borders, languages and religion, we all had one thing in common: A love of the beautiful game. (more…)


The internet and social networking sites have given rise to a new, dangerous and worrying trend. I am of course talking about the armature poet. Not content with littering their own “Dear Diaries” with their personal feelings and dreamscapes, they now feel the need… No, the desire to share with the world the amazing poetic labyrinth of free form ideas and constructs they have compiled. (more…)


 

Bad Criminals Are Funny Criminals

 

I’m sitting inside a 1950’s era, single pump gas station that has been converted into a bar. It’s the kind of weathered place where a guy with a big chip on his shoulder would come to drown his sorrows and complain about being at yelled at by his boss all day long. Across the road is a newer service station with six pumps and an attached convenience store. Apparently, the owner of this bar saw the writing on the wall when the competition arrived and shifted to a new source of revenue. The two businesses are the only buildings found at this intersection on the rural edge of the Kitap Peninsula. It’s the cultural center of the area. (more…)


 

Castrating a rapist is an intricate, often emotional process that few people tend to give thought to in their daily lives. In order to carry out an action like this, you have to pay careful attention to the steps and differ enough from the mainstream to be able to carry them out. But before you think about all the rest of the steps, you have to make the decision to castrate. This may seem obvious, but whether it be on a whim, or carefully thought and planned out, this is ultimately the first step in castrating a rapist.  After making the decision to castrate, you then have to pick your rapist. Will you pick a random one? (more…)


The Hard Sell

 

Over the course of my life I have held various positions of employment, with wildly varying degrees of success.  Apart from one job the average time I spent in any one place of employment was around 3 months.  This should tell you everything you need to know about my attention span, commitment to the banal and my intolerance for stupid people. (more…)


Ear Drums

By Ben Nardolilli

My mother was the first one to remark on my coughing. I guess over the phone it sounded worse. Through wires it was compressed and released with such ferocity it must have sounded like I was a machine slowly coming apart at its innermost gears. I had noticed my coughing before she said anything, but my mother was the first to think it was serious. She asked me if I was all right and if my room was clean. I told her that I felt fine enough and that the parts of the room I was responsible for were clean. The dorm room was only mine for the summer, as long as the enrichment camp was in session. People who used it before me and the cleaning staff may have left stains and molds that I had yet to find. (more…)


Literati: Not So Much

 

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In 1991 I read a poem to a group of a liberal arts college’s intelligentsia. The poem was shit and they hated it. Let me rephrase: the poem was about shit and they really hated it. (more…)


 

 

 

“Don’t use the blow dryer, it makes my scalp hurt.”

“Sure,” I responded, yanking the extension cord out of the wall and pulling it away from the little pools of dripped water that the comb left. There were scars very close to his hairline. It was hard to be sure what they were from. They reminded me of the world atlas my mother kept taped up in our kitchen when I was a kid; zig-zagging in all directions, occasionally intersecting. An easy sight to get lost in. (more…)


 

600 kisses

(from the collection out by the airport)

 

i’m not sure how

or when

or why

but i did it

i let my guard down (more…)